A tita, by definition, is an aunt. But that title isn’t exclusive to relatives. They come in all shapes and sizes — sometimes sporting the latest Coach bag (looking at you Number 3), and sometimes they’re the messiest kind that you want to avoid (ahem, Number 1). But at the end of the day, we love our titas. And we don’t stamp that title to anyone, even when she sashays into a party an hour late. We see you, Tita. We see you.
Now that the party has officially started, it’s time to meet each one.
(Image courtesy of Canva)
Let’s get this over with quickly and meet the tita who will make you feel like crap before the end of the night. And even if you make it your duty to avoid her, you can’t. She will simply appear and immediately tear you down with a smile on her face.
Did you gain or lose weight? You don’t need a scale. Body-Shaming Tita is good at math and she knows the exact amount of pounds you gained or lost, sometimes down to the decimal.
“Taba” (fat) and “payat” (skinny) are her favorite words, and they’re never used as a compliment.
Body-Shaming Tita doesn’t stop at physical attributes. She’ll shame you if you’re single with questions like “Why don’t you have a boyfriend yet?” She’ll shame you if you’re a newlywed and pry into your sex life if you’re not already pregnant.
Be prepared to hear some unsolicited advice like “stop eating junk food” or “don’t stress” even though you’re happy with your healthy self. Expect her to try to hook you up with someone’s cousin on her other side of the family. Just smile back and thank her because you’ve already tried snitching on her to your mom and Lola (grandmother) and their reply is always “Ah, she’s always like that. Just ignore her.”
It’s 2020, fam. We should address her toxic behavior or seriously stop inviting her.
(Image courtesy of JillWellington of Pixabay)
What’s the latest tsismis (gossip), you wonder? Look for this tita at a crowded table, where everyone is gathered to sip some tea. And if you see this tita, across the room, looking at you with her pursed lips… she was just talking about you.
Be careful what you say around this tita unless you’re willing to fill her teapot. She knows everyone’s business. And her reach is international. Tea-Spilling Tita is Facebook friends with you, your mama, and your tito’s (uncle) ex-baby mama. This tita is also tech-savvy and knows how to text, chat, and scroll through every social media. Again, do not underestimate her.
Gossip is not just her favorite past time, she is an Olympic gold medalist. If you don’t have time to chitchat with the tsismosas, it’s cool. Watch some passive-aggressive posting on Facebook unfold in the next few days from all the damage she has caused.
(Image courtesy of StockSnap of Pixabay)
This tita is dripping with head-to-toe designer clothes. At first glance she is stylish, but as soon as you get a closer look… ehhhhhhh…
Tita, thy name is cringe.
That Michael Kors hat is fly. Love those Kate Spade sandals. Your expensive Louis Vuitton duffel bag that you wear like a purse is making everyone jelly.
We get it. You can afford all of these brand names. By all means, treat yourself, you worked three overtimes to save up for it.
But did you really need to wear your Gucci sunglasses at an indoor party?
I know I sound salty towards this tita, but it’s because she once tried to call out my Coach bag as fake. It was not. I got it 60 percent off at the outlet mall, thank you very much.
(Image courtesy of AMassessoriaPublicitaria of Pixabay)
“Baon” is the act of taking food to-go and bringing it home once the party is done. There is no shame in packing up some baon. Heck, the host will probably insist that you baon some of the lumpia (if there's any left!) or the homemade dinuguan.
But Baon Tita plays a different game. As soon as she walks in, she’s already asking for the Styrofoam to get her baon started and sets it aside inside the oven or microwave. Points to her for bringing back the Tupperware she borrowed from the last party.
Can you at least save us latecomers some pancit palabok, Baon Tita? Please?
(Image courtesy of HugoAtaide of Pixabay) She can sing. I mean really, really sing like she could have been on American Idol if she wanted to but her parents shot down her dreams and made her get a degree in nursing.
The most common tita in the party. We don't have just one or two who are super talented... we have several all lined up and passing a big black binder list of English and Tagalog songs.
No Filipino party exists without them.
(Image courtesy of 27707 of Pixabay)
IT ME. :(
Look, we can’t stop time. We all have to grow up and titles change from ading (younger sibling) to ate (older female sibling) to tita.
This tita, sadly, refuses to accept her age. She’ll find the young crowd, usually the cousins, and request some selfies with them. Be careful, though, this tita will post all the shots — good and unflattering ones — onto her Facebook page and tag everyone in the picture. She’s similar to Fashionista Tita with all the trendy clothes she wears, but it’s mostly a front to convince herself that she’s still cool. (Or is it “lit”?)
Dare to call her auntie and watch her crow’s feet eyes flare with flames. She’s not your auntie, okay? Call her ate. HOW DARE YOU?
(Image courtesy of Canva)
As soon as you see this tita, grab her hand immediately and mano po before she prays for your disrespectful butt.
She’s the self-proclaimed saint of the family. This tita wears her religion on her sleeve.
Literally. She carries her rosary beads with her. She also has langis (coconut oil) in her purse in case anyone at the party needs some hilot (massage).
We can't start eating the food until this tita has blessed it. She constantly asks when was the last time you've been to church and hassles all the moms to get their kids confirmed already.
If you're ever invited to one of her parties, expect to be included in the rosary prayer even if you're not an active Catholic.
(Image courtesy of Joshua Golde of Unsplash)
Prepare to have your kalabaw measured today, because this tita will bust out her measuring tape to prove hers is bigger. And more expensive. And cuter. Whatever it is, hers will always be better.
She’s not really a mayabang (show-off) person, but she certainly loves to flex.
Are we celebrating a cousin’s graduation today? Well, One-Upper Tita will tell you her son is about to graduate from an Ivy League. Magna cum laude. Did you just buy a new car? This tita has a Mercedes that she bought five years ago. Paid in full, of course.
Seriously, don’t bother basking in the glow of your accomplishments and special moments because this tita will always beat you.
(Image courtesy of Samueles of Pixabay)
It’s no secret that gambling is a common vice for many of our kababayan (countrymen). We don’t know just one or two people who have an addiction. Shoot… they carpooled together when they arrived at the party. Bingo Tita arrived on time because she has to leave early since Bingo at the nearest casino starts at 6:00 and FOMO is a real thing to her. Despite her need to gamble, she won’t dare miss a family party. No way.
Bingo Tita also carries a deck of cards in her purse. After she’s done eating, she’ll ask the host for an empty table and set up a game of Pares-Pares. Try to schmooze this tita, especially when she’s on a hot streak of winning quarters, you might get some balato (small portion of their win).
(Image courtesy of Miguel Bruna of Unsplash)
The unicorn of the party. Or as Body-Shaming Tita will call her: the black sheep.
She is our favorite tita. Everyone loves her because she taught us all the curse words and genitalia in Tagalog. She has a tattoo of the Filipino stars and proudly displays it. She's not young, but she certainly exudes a youthful image.
She hardly attends a family party, but when she does show up, it’s lit.
Why? Because she breaks all the stereotypes and rules embedded by the old (and outdated) standards of judgmental Filipinos.
(Image courtesy of Canva)
The tita we love to hate.
No one in the family likes her, especially during a sporting event.
She cheers against Manny Pacquiao and laughs whenever he stumbles. Many of us may not like him personally, but in the boxing ring, we do not wish for his defeat. But the Kontrabida does. And her negative energy can kill the atmosphere quickly.
She actively roots for an opposing team not because she's a fan, but because the family prefers the other team.
She's loud about her opinions and doesn't hesitate to get in an argument over the most trivial things. And her hot takes are wild. Was the dress blue or gold? The Kontrabida will say it was pink.
I don't even want to bring up politics, but you can guess who she voted for and she's proud of it regardless if she agrees with their policies.
She's a contrarian. A true villain at every party.